But then again…

There are always two sides of the story, and as much as I want to be innocent in my decisions, I had my faults too.

“It just didn’t work out.”

And that’s all it is.  The way I lived my life wasn’t blending with his, and what he thinks is right or wrong, I probably didn’t agree, and vice versa.

I really don’t agree with cheating though.  I tried to understand, I tried to go into the mentality of it, and in some situations, maybe a person can justify it, but I still don’t understand it.  Especially with the justifications that were given to me…
I tried to understand it in Japan where…dating rules are more malleable than in the States.

I tried to accept cheating.  I was thinking that with my future husband, I will want to have kids, and I will have a good life.  But at some point in that life, what if my husband cheats on me?  I’m only 25 years old, and I’m going to change at many different stages of my life, and so will whoever else will be in my life.  I can try to be as good of a person as I can, and support my husband as well as I can, but I can’t control another person’s decisions.  Will I divorce that husband and deal with split custody?  I’ve already went through a similar situation with my dog…and that was bad enough…I can’t even imagine if I was dealing with children.

I’ve also been cheated on before a few times, and I have tried to accept that all people are capable of cheating, and that I’m not good enough of a person or a good enough of a woman to have someone who won’t cheat on me.  Yes, this was the damage that cheating had done to my mentality.  I had so many insecurities that piled up in my heart, and I kept justifying that this is the way that it will always will be.  So for 6 months, I dealt with it.  I kept telling myself that I’m not beautiful enough.  I went on shopping sprees and bought things I didn’t really need, I tried to put on makeup to cover what I thought were my blemishes, I felt embarrassed when I didn’t look as good as other girls, and no matter how many people told me how good I looked, I would feel that they were lying and that they would tell the same exact thing to another person.  I tried to find all my faults to improve them, and you wouldn’t believe how many faults I could see within myself.  No matter how much I tried, I wouldn’t be complimented by the person that meant most to me, yet he would compliment other people more so than me.

So I gave up.  For every man who I would talk to afterwards, for every husband that I saw, I would believe that he has cheated before.  No matter what compliments that anyone would give me, I wouldn’t believe them.  I decided that it was useless to find another person because I believed that no matter how “good” of a person I was, no matter how much I tried to show my personality, no matter how good I looked, no matter what it is that I would do, there’s nothing I can do to go between my man and another woman.

But then again…there are men who have the same relationship values as I do.  I was trying to convince myself that I was wrong, and I would observe the relationships around me and hear their stories.   I talked to several men about their opinions.    There was one person who did change my mind.  One comment that stuck out to me was, “Why do I want to be comfortable with other girls if I’m already comfortable with my girlfriend?”  My ex had told me that he was comfortable with me, and that was a reason why he was with me.  But he had also said that he was comfortable with the other girl he was with.  So for some reason, when my friend had said this comment, I felt that there was no reason for me to be with my ex.  That there are men out there who I do deserve to be with.  That there are men out there who deserve to be with me.

I am still angry that there are men who can still cheat on me, or people who can cheat on others.  It is still something that I can’t understand.  But I just have to find the man who won’t, and stop putting up with the men who make me feel less than I am. I should never be with someone who makes me feel that low about myself.

So thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize how much I’m worth.

Someone Like You?

I find it so ironic, that the ex I went out with cheated on me, so I broke up with him, and sometime after he posts the Adele’s song “Someone Like You”.

Well, obviously, you already have.

This is why you could never understand my feelings if that Adele song is comforting you.

Thanks for slapping me in the face and ruining a song that I used to love.

I hate how a part of my heart is still angry.  At the same time I’m angry at myself because I let myself be carried through this same situation again.  But I’m done being kind and understanding when those qualities aren’t being reciprocated back towards me.  Someone like you?  Really?  Are you really trying to send me that message?  Uhm, excuse me, but you’re the one who’s pride gets raised up every time you talk about how the girls are all over you when you travel.  You’re the one who talks to the pretty girls every time we get into a fight and when you didn’t want to deal with me.  You’re the one who’s in constant pursuit for someone to make you feel better, when I was here waiting for you to come back to me.

You wanna hold my recent actions against me and use them to victimize yourself?  Fine then. Do it.  Ruin my image without really understanding my feelings.  I don’t feel so bad telling people why we broke up, the real truth of why we broke up.  So you know what?

You’ve wasted my time with all those conversations.  Forget all the things you’ve promised me, and forget all the things you’ve tried to convince me with.  Until the day you finally understand my feelings and truly apologize, I’ll continue to forget the memories, forget the conversations, and forget the times we’ve had together.  Your face is already starting to be blurred in my mind.

Someone like me?  You’ll never find someone like me.  But I know I can find someone better than you.  I can find someone who can really tell me how they feel about me instead of me always prying with unnecessary questions, just to find out how much he loves me.  I can find someone who won’t use the same words and use the same touch with me on another girl.  I can find someone who will promise me the same things as you, but who can tell me right when they think of his promises, and keep true to his word.  I can find someone who is sure that he loves me, not grade his love on a scale, and who will tell me that he loves me with all his heart.  I will find someone who is sure that he wants to be with me from the very beginning, and not at the end when I’m the one who wants to leave.

I will find this man, and this man will make me forget you, and all the other guys who’ve played with my heart.  He will make me into a better person, because he wants me to be a better person.  He will give me the freedom to go, knowing that I will always come back.  He will give me a love that will never amount to what all of you have half-heartedly given to me.

Do you realize the words that a passed between a bride and a groom while they are getting married?

I, (name), take you, (name),
to be my (wife/husband),
knowing in my heart that you will be a faithful friend,
and a loving companion.
On this special day, in the presence of our relatives and our friends as witnesses,
I give to you my sacred vow that
I will always be with you and support you,
in times of sickness and in times of health,
in times of joy and in times of sorrow.
I promise to love you completely,
to console and comfort you during difficult times,
to laugh with you and to grieve with you,
to share with you life’s simplest but most enduring pleasures,
to be truthful and honest with you,
and to cherish you,
for as long as we both shall live.

These are promises that should be kept throughout the relationship, not on the day of the wedding.  And these are things that you would have never been able to fulfill for me, because you already broke them while we were together.

So goodbye old loves.  I’ll live my life until my path crosses with  a better man, and this man will be someone who isn’t like you.

Taking criticism

I need more criticism in my life.  And I need to learn how to deal with it.  I’ve always been told the good things in my life, so my ego is so inflated that it’s hard to come back down to earth sometimes.  So for someone to criticize me, even in a constructive way, makes me do a double take like, what?  Me?  I did something not perfect?  Writing that, I am a slight perfectionist too…Although I’m less of a perfectionist than I was before, still trying to take in criticisms to improve myself hurts a little.

The weird thing about the criticism I’ve been taking in lately is that I’m welcoming it.  I’ve opened up some things that I’ve written to be criticized, because I know it could be better, but I only have my own perspective to go on.

So bring it on!  I need to stop being treated like a kid 🙂

I have to remember

I need to take a deep breath to slow myself down.  I have to remember the things that are making me stressed out, and that they are not in my control.  I have to put the things in my hands that I can control and work on that.

I have to remember that I have been through these tedious processes before.  Maybe it’s been a while since the last time I had to do these familiar things, but I also know that even through the unfamiliarity of things, I know who and what can help me make it better.

I have to remember to open myself up and not be embarrassed from the criticisms and remember that the criticisms are seen from a perspective that I couldn’t see.

I have to remember that I know the steps already, and that I can learn from my mistakes and make this process easier for myself, maybe even quicker.

I have to remember all the things that I have experienced that are relevant to my life right now, and improve upon those experiences so that I can have a new life.

Nostalgia is a dangerous feeling

Week 2 of coming back, I was hit with so much nostalgia.  I would walk my dog every morning through the parks and the neighborhoods I used to walk through as a child.  I would walk to the bookstore that I spent so much time in as a child, and pass my elementary school, wondering if my teachers were still there.  I would walk back home through my middle school, and see the numbers that I would sit on during Physical Education and pass the fields where I used to search for four-leaved clovers.  I walked home and remembered the days where I could go to my friend’s house down the street and we would just walk and talk for hours on ends about nothing at all.  I remember crying about, laughing at, and listening to so many things…

I bumped into my aunt and as we were talking with each other, I was thinking she’s changed in some ways… but at the same time, maybe the major thing was that I’ve changed to be able to appreciate her conversation.

And I have changed.  So much has happened from then and now, and I’d rather continue the change so that I know that I’m becoming a better person than yesterday.

I left California, because there were certain feelings and things that I wanted from my life that I couldn’t accurately describe, and things that some of my friends weren’t able to completely understand.  I faced a lot of, “I wish I could do that” or “Don’t go!” or things like that… But once I arrived in Japan, I didn’t have to explain myself so much.  I met an amazing group of individuals who were thinking and feeling the same things as me.  I was even more fortunate to be placed in the city I was in so that I can continue to connect with so many people living the same life that I was.  Then I went to Cambodia and met another amazing group of people who wanted to do the same things as me.  I didn’t have to explain myself so much and I just … lived my life and I was automatically understood.  Of course there were the cultural barriers at some points, and certain beliefs that were debated and explained, but!  We all had the same heart to give to others.

Readjusting to California is extremely difficult right now because… I don’t have the easy groupthink.  I feel like I backtracked.  I have my experiences to share with everyone who I come into contact with, which is a gift I can give to others who haven’t done what I have done.  But I also need to find the people who I don’t have to explain myself so much to.  I’m fortunate enough to have a few people like this in my life in my vicinity, so now I just have to reach out and take their hand.  Even if there aren’t people there for me, I have to fight more to keep the heart that I have so I don’t lose a piece of myself that I’ve grown in the past few years, which is scary.  I have to put a part of myself to sleep, or I have to live uncomfortably in my new environment.

“One thing you have to ask yourself is: ‘Am I willing to live a few years of my life like many people won’t, so I can spend the rest of my life like many people can’t?'” – Marc and Angel Hack Life

I have fried my brain on everything that I don’t normally do.  I’ve stayed inside with my dog, watched Gossip Girl, Breaking Bad, movies upon movies, The Walking Dead, and various other media related things..  I don’t even know.  I can’t even write because I’ve fried my head so much.

I didn’t want to think about anything my first week back, but I ended up thinking a lot more about things that .. I can’t really control right now.

Looking for jobs is stressful, and I was looking into tutoring jobs, but then I figured I can just freelance my hours so I can work when I want with the salary that I want.  Now I need to figure out how to market myself.

I’m on the last registration days for signing up for classes, so I have to fight a little harder for the classes I want in case they’re filled.

I don’t like staying still.  I have so much to offer, and yet I don’t know how to offer what I have to benefit myself and those around me.  Actually, I kinda do, but I’m relying too much on money.

I hate how I have to rely on things to get me going at the moment.  I don’t have a car, nor do I have money to support owning a car.  I don’t have a job, so I can’t go out with my friends in the ideal way that I want to.  I’m just stuck…and I hate this feeling.

Good habit that I was able to pick up though was walking my dog every morning so she can lose some weight.

Job/work wise, my sister has a side job for me to do for her, so I guess I just have to start doing it instead of frying my brain.

Patience… I have so much patience for other people and my environment, but I never have patience with myself…time for some self-improvement guides….

Difficulties

Don’t tell me how difficult the path is, but tell me how the people who succeeded passed the finish line.  If no one succeeded, then tell me all the failures so I know what not to do.  All the answers are there to be successful, I just have to know how to use the information for my own success.

I have been uncomfortable since I’ve been back.  I have to lose a part of myself that I’ve been comfortable with since I’ve been gone for so long.  The language, the way of life.. my life.

It’s easier to see who is really supporting me, and who isn’t.  I share ideas and I share my stories and my plans, and there are people who put me down.  I’m sure they’re not choosing their words to intentionally hurt me, but their words are bothering me in a way that I don’t want to tolerate anymore.

But I’m ready to move on, I just have to get moving.  My manager once told me, that once I put my thoughts into action then I can go further than I’m letting myself be.  So, time for this trial to happen.

I’m giving myself 6 months to figure out the details of what I want to do, or even what I don’t want to do.  6 months of school and pursuing those random “maybes” in my head.  And if nothing is working, then I have to find something that will work for me.  but I have to be able to finally squash what I’ve been thinking and just do it.  And maybe something good will come out of it.  If not, then it’s a lot of things to check off my list 🙂

Back home?

I want to go back to Cambodia.  I felt like I created a web of relationships and connections with so many people, but the further I pulled myself away those strands broke with only an uncomfortable stickiness leftover.   I felt like I could do so much more, and I want to be there for the kids I was helping.  I want to be there longer instead of short moments… I was able to help out for an extra week thanks to the help of my dad.  I would have been able to stay longer too but, I had other commitments to fulfill once I got home.. or it was more of a favor to my parents.  I mean, they did buy my plane ticket back home.. or maybe it was my sister.

I feel like the things that I did for the past 2 something years is so much more than what I can do here.  I created my way of life, but now that I’m back home I feel like I’m returning back to square one and following other people’s way of life; looking for a job and figuring out if I want to go to grad school.  It’s strange that these thoughts came back to my head once I stepped back to my motherland.  Yay America for giving me the same worries.  But I think it’s a give and take.  On one hand there are people who have stayed and found a job and career and who have gone to grad school, where I’m on the flipside, where I have no job, career, or masters or phd, but I did go out on my own way.  Now I can walk whatever way I choose…

I have to be more patient with myself and go through the steps fully this time.  At least I’m doing things to make sure I don’t regret not going to grad school, or at least exploring my interests and seeing how far I can take them.

I will update on what I did in Cambodia and.. just my adventures in general 🙂  but for now, I’m clearing clutter in my mind.